Imagine this: You’re visiting Paris and have the chance to spend only an hour in the Louvre. What would you do to make the most of this opportunity? A) focus on visiting a selection of artworks you’ve always wanted to see; B) walk through two or three sections containing works from a particular culture, style or time period; or C) speed through the museum, dodging other visitors, to cover the most ground?
Most likely you would choose A or B, as they are reasonable options. But C? That’s another story, one with a sad plot driven by FOMO.
What Is FOMO?
The fear of missing out is so pervasive in our culture that we’ve turned it into an acronym to save time in our conversations. It’s an unpleasant emotion arising from a deep-seated drive to maximize the quantity and/or quality of our experiences.
“People might think of missing out as one of two things, or possibly a mixture of the two: 1) a disappointment, and 2) a form of failure,” says Carl Honoré, journalist, two-time TED speaker, and author of In Praise of Slowness: Challenging the Cult of Speed and Bolder: Making the Most of Our Longer Lives.
“The kind of vector of missing out is either internal or external. You’re trying to quiet or appease the inner voice, or you’re trying to impress or perform for people, you’re trying to do what you think you should be doing.”
A Case in Point
FOMO can affect us in such unconscious ways that we may not be fully aware of its pull on our lives.
Kathe Fradkin, 75, of Beaverton, Ore., attests to this. Divorced after 20 years of marriage and with no children, she describes herself as “retired from public and private sectors, both through teaching in public education and working as a professional in the business world at Intel.” Her regular endeavors include daily exercise; volunteering as a strategic planner for two nonprofits, one social and one religious; and hiking and traveling with friends.
“These activities are important and meaningful to me,” she says, “as they bring me a sense of purpose with maintaining good physical health, having strong and healthy personal connections, giving back to others, and building my spirituality. I feel a sense of emptiness without these things in my life. I feel like life is passing me by and I am not getting the fullness out of it. If I don’t plan for them to happen, they might not happen.”
‘ “FOMO is very much tied up with time,” Honoré says. “How much we feel we have left, how we feel about the way we’re moving through time.” ’
Last year, Fradkin experienced even stronger feelings of FOMO when she needed a knee replacement. She recalls: “When I had my knee operation and was quite sick with a digestive issue, I was unable to engage in regular activities for over a month. I was quite dependent on others for help.”
Forms of FOMO
People can dread missing out on life at any age, and the forms it takes can vary.
“FOMO is very much tied up with time,” Honoré says. “How much we feel we have left, how we feel about the way we’re moving through time. In our youthful years, we’re casting the net as wide as possible, we want to have as many experiences, as many inputs, as much social connection [as possible].”
The Rev. Beth Long-Higgins, vice president of engagement and director of The Center for Abundant Aging at United Church Homes, described an elder variation. “Older adults may experience the fear of missing out when they physically are not able to be present in the world as they once had been,” she says. “There is also the existential FOMO when individuals think about the time when they will no longer be alive and participating in their communities and the world as they do now.”
How the Feeling Can Change
However, according to both Long-Higgins and Honoré, it’s possible for FOMO to slowly resolve depending upon one’s beliefs and values.
“For those who think that this life is all that there is, they might grieve the fact that they will not be here to experience things that the future holds,” says Long-Higgins. “But if an individual has a broader spiritual understanding of how they are connected to others, of how their influence may continue to inspire those whose lives continue after their death … then there may be less fear about missing out and more of an understanding that life continues.”
As for Honoré, he claims that midlife is the time when “you start to be less obsessed with status games and short-term wins, and you start to go deeper, start trying to tell a bigger story about your life, start feeling less pressure to rush through the moment.”
‘I watched how happy older people with a variety of capabilities spent their time and learned from that.’
Furthermore, he says, with age comes the ability “to feel less pressure to tiptoe around other people’s expectations and feel less beholden to other people’s opinions. Because our relationship with time evolves, our relationship with FOMO shifts… . Zeroing in on the stuff that matters is the opposite of FOMO.”
Finding a Way Out
Zeroing in is just what Fradkin did post-surgery. “I greatly reduced my activity level, as I could not engage in [those things] at that time. I had to develop another way to spend my time,” she explains.
“I watched how happy older people with a variety of capabilities spent their time and learned from that… . I then increased mindfulness and my focus on quiet time and spirituality. I prioritized activities that only brought me solace and joy. That actually was an eye-opener that I could be more with less, that is, to have a happy and fulfilled life with fewer activities and busy-ness!”
Tips for Saying ‘No’
Clearly, being preoccupied with missing out may add to the quantity of experiences in an older person’s life, but it doesn’t add to their quality. So, what’s the alternative?
Fradkin has adopted a more inward perspective. “I spend more quiet time now and feel fulfilled,” she says. “I still love to be active, but prioritize activities and people that bring me joy. More of my time is now spent by myself, still being busy but with joyful and peaceful activities.”
Long-Higgins offers her own suggestions: “Contribute to the communities in which we live. Share the gifts that we have honed throughout our lives with those who will carry on after our deaths. And be grateful for all that we have experienced up to this point in our lives.”
Honoré encourages us to 1) form relationships with people who have the same attitude as us about dealing with FOMO, 2) spend less time on social media and the pressures it brings, and 3) keep a journal of our activities and feelings about doing them. The point, he explains, is to change FOMO into JOMO––the joy of missing out.
“To overcome FOMO is not a painful thing,” he asserts. “You might have some withdrawal symptoms in the beginning, but once you break through that inertia at the start, there is a sunny uplands waiting for you on the other side. You are living your life instead of racing through it.”
Helpful words to remember, should you ever find yourself in the Louvre.
Jeanette Leardi is a social gerontologist, community educator, public speaker and the author of AGING SIDEWAYS: Changing Our Perspectives on Getting Older.
Photo credit: Shutterstock/Andrii Zastrozhnov
